..

I am so ridiculously content with everything right now. Zach and Danielle came over for a while yesterday. We played a really badass game of Monopoly =]. Sarah came home with me after pit today. we went to my aunt's for dinner and then to chamberrrr. Two solid good days! After long debate the room for Washington is FINALLY set up. Me Sarah Danielle and Ali <3 better than the last 2 years combined =]. My birthday is in like 3 weeks. I might possibly be buying a car this saturday. Danielles on friday, getting muh cookiessss. SAT results on the 20th, Matt comes home that day too. Danielle is right, all we talk about is France or Ireland. It really is going to be amazing next year =]

Things are so chill right now, I absolutely love it.

In the past 2 days I've gotten mail from over 20 colleges. It's so overwhelming, yet so exciting! They come in such large numbers I'm now resorting to looking at the address and if it does not seem impressive or like a high populated area.. next one! Even with all these eye opening possibilities, my heart is set on Boston College. It is the most beautiful place and the prestige is basically only beaten by the Ivy's. <3333. Walter went up there this past weekend and now knows this feeling too. It honestly just steals your heart! So if all goes to plan Walter will be accepted and go, and I will continue my hard work this year so I will also be accepted and join Matt and him. What a lovely plan! I am so excited to put myself into years worth of debt to receive an education you can only dream of, and to party like you only wish you could. And then unlike you, have an extremelyyyyyy high chance of having a job set for me so I can continue to succeed. I can't fucking wait! <33333!

Today Levik was absent again. We had a discussion on how sex with obese people can't possibly be fulfilling. And how you're better off thinking of other people. Minutes later I had a double orchestra rehearsal with the people from wind ensemble. Ohhhh the shitty shitty irony.

Tomorrow is my mom's birthday. I don't think I have ever felt this sad before. I can't bare to think that to celebrate the occasion we will be going to the cemetery to stare at the dirt that gives me absolutely no fulfillment time and time again. This past week has only made it more difficult too. Normally I'd come home and tell her of how Caroline was a stupid bitch, and we'd laugh and she'd tell me what not to do. But instead I come home to my empty house for hours until my dad comes home. Not that it's any better when hes home, cause it's not. I had the worst cry last night. =\.

I think its just amazing how some people can be so into themselves, and just not have the slightest regard for others. Shit happens people. You never know what can change in a single second. Honestly.

I surely don't hate my life, like it may seem. I just hate that this is the rest of my life. If you understand that.

This week has truely been one of a kind..unfortunately a shitty kind. I hope those of you who take everything for granted never really have to lose it. Two major let downs in less than 24 hours must be some sort of record. Cool. Hey Katie lets hang out! Kay bye.

Vermont was nice. Very very veryyyyy cold, but a nice get away. Sunday/Monday was like -10° after wind chill.. I think that explains it. I've come to love spending time with my aunt and cousins, its so nice. My aunt has sorta taken over the mother role, but not at the same time. She's so similar to my mom and I never really noticed it. It was comforting at times but terribly real at others. I love how Alexa and I have become so close too <333 I'm really happy for my aunt, Carl really is a great guy. He fits in so perfectly with everyone =].
I'm trying to sort things out right now. I honestly have such little faith in him, sucks bro. I really want things to finally work out. I guess I just have to be patient and keep telling myself he won't fuck me over again. We all know he probably will.
I feel so disconnected from most people these days. I have my few close friends, and that's really all I want around. I feel so changed now It's almost like the rest of the teenage population is from another world. It's hard to explain I guess. That's why writing on here sucks, anything I'd really want to say will probably be viewed negatively.
Like the fact that Saturday is 2 months since my mom passed away. To me it's weird, so fucking weird. My life has become a pattern of waking up, school, coming home to an empty house, making dinner, exchanging minimal words with my dad when he finally comes home, shower and then sleep. To everyone else I'm sure me even speaking about anything like this is viewed as either complaining or like I'm a messed up child now. I feel as if neither is true. I like to talk about my mom because it keeps her alive. Not many people deserve to hear much more, so that's that.
Part I of the English regents was today. So beyond pointless. I really don't even find it necessary to return for the second half tomorrow. Lameee. Went to the diner with a bunch of people after, it was good. Came home to the two mexicans working on my bathroom. They stayed until like 5 minutes before my dad got home. They're always singing along with the radio. It's super creepy/funny cause its alwaysss songs like Fergie's Big Girls Don't Cry. The bathroom is coming along soooo nicely. Last day is Friday, I'm excited =]=].
I'm actually kind of looking forward to Chamber tomorrow night. I feel like playing with everyone <3. It should be pretty gooood.
Anything else? Nah. Hope all is well for everyone.

Things are sorta weird right now. The New Year was hard, and that resulted in a difficult week last week. Made me realize a lot more than I would've liked to. I think I just want to get all the work I need to make up done so I can relax the next week before the quarter ends.
I'm in desperate need of getting away from this place. I'm going to Vermont with my aunt/her fiancé/his kids/my cousins. I definitely need a good weekend with Alexa discussing our hate for those damn birds. And yeah, my aunt got engaged =]. Anywayyyy Vermont is coming at a good time to say the least.

That's it. Vague and boring. Pz.

I don't really enjoy updating anymore, but I figured I might as well put a short one up here.

stayed at my cousins sunday night. we watched our favorite old Mary-Kate & Ashley movie.. Holiday in the sun<3
1st time christmas eve wasn't at my house.. ever. so fucking weird.
christmas wasn't christmas at all.
i want to punch phyllis. overandoverandover.
I'm sick! 5th christmas in a row babyyyy.
I'm tired of waiting around for something to change your mind. I really think if I had the chance to have someone else in the same situation, I would take it. The fact that you get it too only makes me want to talk to you. Too bad I have no clue what your problem is.
yesterday was a month. one entire month already.
i'm not looking forward to new years. first year without her. blah.
.
i don't like sounding so negative in this all the time because i don't really think i am. i'm not sure how one is supposed to deal with losing their mother at this point in life, but i feel like for the most part i'm doing well.
I can't really say that this year was the best, because in many ways it was the exact opposite. However, I can say that good things came from this year and that it will certainly be one to remember. I've become close with so many people this year. The truest of friends have stuck it out and proved themselves amazing. I've joined a challenging orchestra that probably makes life more difficult than anything, but is so rewarding in the end. I developed a relationship with my mom.. a really close one. I learned to find the good in the worst situations. I doubled my AP work load and so far have been successful in managing excellent grades in both. I've never felt closer to my aunt and my cousins, and I love it. I've grown up a whole lot. And even though I have lost so much, I know I am a stronger person. I don't care how typical that sounds.

so apparently everyone is worried about me.
my grandma is. my aunt is. my great aunt is. ms dinovis is. the people at my brothers college are! i know my dad is. and my mom was too.
i originally wrote a really long entry about how today we went to the cemetery to visit my mom and how it was ruined by the presence of my other aunt. she is an awful person and it's nothing you need to know about really. just another complication in this "process", or whatever it is.
there isn't really any need to comment these entries right now. they're vague, dull, and written at my shitty moments. That's all.

my mom was in my dream last night. well really, she was the dream.
i woke up and thought everything was back to normal.
i was beginning to think i was immune to this pain. that maybe i was prepared enough that i wouldn't even feel it. that was very naive and obviously not true. it just took a little while.
it is the worst when the truth is, she was the only one who could pick me up when i felt like this.

matt needs to come back home. this house is too empty and i feel too alone.
15 days is too long.

if you are going to comment, just please don't comment telling me you feel bad. i know everyone means well, i really do appreciate it. i just can't stand it anymore. and i'm sorry if that sounded really mean. =[

I think everyone knows what this will be about..

Last night broke me a little bit, but I really couldn't say goodbye this morning.
Everyone keeps telling me it will get a little bit easier each day. I don't even see how that is possible =[. It doesn't even seem real yet. I guess it's supposed to seem impossible right now?
For the past 9 months my mom has been there every second of every single day, because she couldn't do anything else. I like to tell myself it makes this a little bit easier because I've watched the pain never stop and only get worse. I have been there since day one, and I held her hand until the very last second. Everyone seems shocked when they heard I was able to hold my mothers hand while she died, but really.. it is the only place I wanted to be. I'd like to believe she knew I was there.
My mom fought hard for 9 months. Even after she found out she was terminal, she kept fighting. No one believed she could do it. She did everything they asked of her and still kept coming back for more. I still can't imagine my life without her, and it's here.
After we placed our flowers on the casket at the burial today my dad held me and told me how proud he was of me. The way his voice sounded was so comforting. He told me she took our love with her, and left all of hers for us.
I've never thought of it as a compliment when I was told that I was just like her until this. I only hope I can ever be half the person she was. <3